Friday, April 9, 2010
Korean Moms have a special place in their hearts for bible names. Especially if you are her son. They love their sons. Is your name Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? No? Then you are probably an Amos, David, Samuel, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Andrew, or Moses. Perhaps your KM attempted to harness all her Jesus power in one fell swoop and called you 'Christian'. Are you now a pastor, Christian? At the very least you probably play the guitar or tambourine. If you are a woman, chances are you got away with a semi-non-biblical name. There was no way she was going to name you after a ho like Delilah or Jezebel. Still, I bet your name is Grace, Christine, and maybe Caroline if your KM has a thing for Neil Diamond.
Either you were given a bible name, a bible name along with a Korean name, or just a Korean name. Sadly, a name that white people will butcher for the rest of your life. Is your name Joon-suk? Did you grow up with kids screaming "Joon sucks!" whenever you went out to trick or treat in your hanbok(traditional Korean clothing)? Do you still have that hanbok? I bet you do Joon Sucks. Maybe non-Koreans have heard your Korean name and asked 'Hey, can you write my name in Korean too?'. So then you have to spell out Peter like 'Pee-Tah' in Korean so Mr. SWM can go to the tattoo parlor and etch it forever onto his bicep. If he's really feeling it, he might go all out and get a Chinese dragon curled around it breathing fire, because 'Pee-Tah' is so manly and Jersey Shore-ish. Don't you agree? But I digress. Perhaps you have resorted to calling yourself by the first letter of your Korean name to save yourself explanation and humiliation. Kyung Hee, do you go by Kay? Kyu Pyo do you go by 'Q' 'cause you're cool like that? I bet you do.
Korean Moms love your Korean name. This is the name they will use to hold you by the balls till the bitter end. The way a Korean Mom uses your Korean name is akin to the way homeland security uses colors for their terrorist threat advisory scale. It's all good if she calls you by your English name. In other words, homeland security says 'Yellow', the threat is elevated. What happened to 'Green' you ask? There is no 'Green'. If your KM is looking at you, talking to you, is remotely aware of you within a 10 mile radius, or for that matter able to dial your number, one slow digit at a time, on her first generation Nokia cellphone with the large numbers for blind people and fat fingers, you are not safe. Ever. When she steps it up and calls you by your Korean name the threat advisory goes instantly to 'Orange'. You have done something that merits punishment or at the very least she will now commence to lay the smack down on you. Maybe you are fat. Maybe you told her you are now a vegetarian. Maybe you are 40. And single. Maybe you are short and you are also a man. Either way, the threat is now high my friend. Once she strings your last name and Korean name together, forget it. You are now at 'Red'. Run. But be advised, she will find you LEE DONG OAK(insert stank eye). Eventually you will get hungry. Then, she will find you.