Friday, September 18, 2009

#55 Being Green

Korean Moms love being green, but they do not know they are being green. All they know is that they saved 50 cents on their last heating bill by keeping the house at a comfortable 49 degrees. You lost feeling in your toes? Complain and risk the debilitating power of the Stank Eye (see #5) or just put on some extra socks with sandals like a good Korean kid.

Korean Moms invented self-sustainability. Does your backyard look like a scene from Jurassic Park? Do plants that look suspiciously like giant mutant weeds mysteriously make it onto the dinner table? Is your Korean Mom prouder of the achievements of the giant ass peppers growing in the window sill than she is of your law degree? Does your family pet feast on leftover Korean stew and rice while feverishly trying to chew it's way to freedom from a 5 ft leash tied to a pole in your backyard? Does your Korean Mom have an 80's sweater with glitter and shoulder pads that you recently spotted on Lindsay Lohan in US Weekly? If any of these are true you are victim of the Korean Mom Conservation Act. Do not misunderstand, Korean Moms do not 'attempt' to be green, they could care less about the inconvient truth, the spotted owl, or the polar bear families with no ice. She just wants to find a way to get the smell of pickled radish out of her Glad-lock zipper bag so she can use it for the 100th time. Al Gore secretly wishes he had the cojones of a Korean Mom. He dreams about reusing old tupperware stained hot pink from over fermented kimchee juice without shame or fear. Have you ever had a tuna sandwich with the lingering aftertaste of tupperware kimchee and soap? Well, don't.

When I visit my Korean Mom, I have to remember to pack a flashlight so I can see myself in the bathroom mirror. Even though there are 10 light bulbs on the vanity only one will work. I feel like I'm putting on my makeup by candlelight in the days of yor. Afterwards, I always end up looking like the Joker, but like the Joker after he put his makeup on in a darkened cave and with no eyes or fingers. In fact, compared to me, the Joker was a hottie. Ok, gotta go. I have to go eat a squash that's bigger than my ass.