Wednesday, February 11, 2009

#54 Chinese/Korean Herbal Medicine

Korean Moms love Korean/Chinese Herbal Medicine. Better known as Hahn-Yahk. If they could carry it around in a flask like a G, whipping it out for a swig every once in while, they would. Vodka and Tequila shots have nothing on the potency of Hahn-Yahk. Its mere stench can make a grown man cry or Clay Aiken grow chest hair. What is it you ask? Nobody really knows. We may have speculations, but we can never really know. Do not even try and ask your Korean Mom what is in your Hahn-Yahk. She will throw back her curly head, laugh scathingly, and make you feel like your man-parts shriveled to the size of an edamame pod. Those mutant ones with only one or two beans, not three. Yes, even if you are not a man. Bottom line. Do not ask because she will not tell you.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Countless numbers of victims have been forced by Korean Moms to drink this cure all. A brown liquid that looks and tastes strangely like warm pureed horse manure or cat vomit. Admit it, you spent valuable moments of your childhood trying to figure out ways to dump it in the sink or flush it down the toilet without your Korean Mom noticing.

I am pretty sure all Korean Moms obtain Hahn-Yahk from the same type of old Korean man. The same old Korean man who will squeeze your mid section and ask you when you had your last period, while you seethingly contemplate molestation charges. All the while your Korean Mom is sitting in the 'exam' room/back of the deli, giving you the stank eye (see #5) and plotting how she will make you drink Hahn-Yahk for the rest of your life. Many of us were forced to drink this nasty concoction of mystery juice to cure ailments a simple Tylenol could have cured. Have a headache? Have some Hahn-Yahk. Oh, you're fat? Hahn-Yahk will cure that. A genital wart? Hahn-Yahk. You're short? Eat some spinach and wash it down with Hahn-Yahk. You're not married? Drink some Hahn-Yahk and pray to Jesus foo! This is why I never like to admit I am sick or am becoming sick. I am deathly afraid that my Korean Mom will find out and mail me a giant package of Hahn-Yahk. Guess what I have in my fridge at this very moment? An entire drawer full of Hahn-Yahk to cure pimples (see #19). Yeah. Pimples. The Hahn-Yahk should eventually cure me of my face. I love my Korean Mom.

It's been a while but I'm back! Did you miss me? :)

Thanks to The Hub of Sparkle and all my readers for the Golden Klog Award! I shall cherish it always while drinking my Hahn-Yahk.