Sunday, October 26, 2008

#52 Punishment

Punishment is the Korean Mom's art form. This is where they let their creative juices flow and their imaginations take flight. They are the Mozart of punishers everywhere; prodigious, misunderstood, and just a little crazed. A simple swat on the ass is not ingenious enough for the Korean Mom. Too boring. She will dream up more unique ways to make you pay for things you've done...things you will do, things your brother/sister did, things you ate, things you said, things you did not do, and things you just happened to see while strolling by on your way to doing something entirely wholesome and normal. Often you will even be punished for things entirely out of your control, such as being left handed, being short, or being lactose intolerant. You get the picture. Your life is just one big reason for punishment and your Korean Mom will find new and exciting ways to help you understand this fact. Fun.

Face it, many of us have been victims to some of the classic forms of Korean Mom punishment. Whether you were forced to kneel and carry a large bucket of water above your head for hours at a time, told to go and collect your own whip/switch from the backyard, or simply stand with your hands in the air, just know that the worst is not yet over my friend. You can never outgrow Korean Mom punishments. As long as she is able bodied enough to wield a tree branch, a rice paddle, or raise her voice, she will punish you.

The key thing to understand about Korean Mom punishments is that they will not make sense. Ever. It will not teach you that you have done something awful, or that you have made bad life decisions, and it will definitely not build character. It will simply let you know where your pain threshold lies, and whether or not you should seriously consider working out. Not only does a Korean Mom administer a physically challenging punishment to drive home what she considers the lesson of the day, she will also yell at you throughout the entire process. While you are struggling to keep that giant jug of water aloft military press style, she will wail, yell, and inform you that she wants to die (see # 3). Don't worry, all is not in vain. This will eventually teach you how to multitask; to listen, learn, and endure physical pain. Were you able to get your weekly report done, listen in on your conference call, all the while doing lunges across your office floor? It is all thanks to your Korean Mom.

Warning: do not ever, e.v.e.r., talk back, or even utter a single word while your Korean Mom is punishing you. To do so is to give yourself the death sentence. Even if you say "I love you" in your most loving and contrite tone, in the heat of the moment, while you are being punished within an inch of your life, all your Korean Mom will hear is "Hit me harder!", and she will.

For Renee: Keep fighting and laughing my dear. :)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

#51 Talking Smack

Korean Moms love to talk smack, not just any kind of smack, they take it to the next level. Which level you ask? The level where you're crying that heaving, 'I cant breathe' cry because they tag team and talk smack right in front of your ass...about your ass...literally. Sure they could talk smack about you behind your back, but no, that's too easy; child's play. Korean Moms prefer to talk smack about you where you can hear them and feel the wrath of their stank eye all at the same time. What does this feel like? Like that feeling right before throwing up, being forced to watch the mini-me/Verne Troyer sex tape, or burning in Hell, whichever of the three is worse. My bet's on mini-me. The kinds of things a Korean Mom will talk smack about vary anywhere from how fat you are to how that pimple on your forehead looks like a third eye. Pretty much as long as you're alive and breathing, anything is game. Actually, now that I think about it, being dead does not truly exempt you from smack talk either. A Korean Mom will always enlist the help of one or more Korean Moms in order to lay the smack down on you. Let me paint you a lovely little picture. There you are, standing in line at Starbucks, when a couple of Korean Moms creep up behind you and start the take down. They smack talk in Korean but allow you to hear and understand key words like "ugly", "Oh My God", "fat" or "crazy", driving you up the wall trying to figure out whether they're talking about you or the stale donut in the pastry case. Just so you know, yes, they are talking about you. Once my Korean Mom and I spied a lady in our vicinity with her sparkly purple thong underwear unnecessarily pulled up above her low-rise Britney Spears jeans on her non Britney Spears booty (pre-head shave). She turns to me and says in her whisper on steroids, 'Geh, THONG, nuh-moo SHOW-heh. FAT sah-rahm THONG WEAR hah-myun ahn-dweh! OH MY GOD". As the Britney Wannabe's head began to swivel towards us, my Korean Mom's stank eye began to blaze while her perm curled even tighter, preparing for K.O. At that moment, I prayed to whomever was listening that I would be able to block this out of my memory until I could pay for expensive therapy to explain away and heal my emotional damage. No such luck.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Hey Everyone,
sit tight...
I'll be back with more Korean Momma Drama next weekend.

For now you can find me sitting oceanside catching some rays in sunny(hopefully) P.R. (With my KM of course!)

Sarang to your KM,

Thursday, October 2, 2008

#50 Spam

Korean Moms everywhere love Spam. Sure, it is a chunk of pink mystery meat, but she does not care. The only mystery she cares about is where in the world you hid your report card. A Korean Mom may outwardly pretend she does not like Spam, but deep inside, her heart goes all a-flutter every time she spots that blue and yellow can of oily goodness. It calls to her from the supermarket aisles like porn calls to teenage boys. Yes, spam is like canned porn. It is so bad for you, yet so very good. No matter how awful it is, Korean Moms cannot tear themselves away from Spam's congealed goodness. Spam for a Korean Mom is what the comb over is for John McCain. It is hideous, in fact, you can't stop wondering why it looks like that, but you can't imagine it any other way.

Korean Moms often go through periods of Spam greed. Like meth or crack addicts they can never get enough. My Korean Mom once threw so much Spam into her shopping cart she actually became embarrassed and elected to put one can back to look less conspicuous. 10 cans of Spam is not crazy, 11 cans and you might as well be stocking a bomb shelter.
Do not ever tell a Korean Mom that you do not like her Spam inspired dish. If you do, somehow it will end up being all your fault. It is always your fault. The Spam is too salty? It's your fault for not eating it with enough rice. Spam gives you cancer? It's your fault for not going to medical school to discover the cure. You can never win.
Do not ever make her choose between the Spam and you. Sadly, she will always choose the Spam. Spam has always been there for her, it is always the same, if unopened, it will last forever. Sometimes it even has the courtesy to go on sale. It gives back. You on the other hand, after 15 years of piano lessons, can only play 'heart and soul'. Shame on you.

ps- Yes, I too heart Spam.