Thursday, August 28, 2008

#46 Extra Homework

Korean Moms love extra homework. It is their weapon of choice. Homework is the gift that keeps on giving. They love the idea of it, they love giving it, and they love to see you suffering to finish it. If it makes you cry, or want to end it all, then they have done their job. To a Korean Mom, it is not enough that their child's school, whether public or private, gives obscene amounts of homework, projects, or summer assignments. I repeat, it is never enough. They also do not understand why school is only five days a week; it should be seven days a week plus holidays. In fact, there should be a national holiday called 'Suprise Extra School Day' where Korean Moms get to 'suprise' their unsuspecting offspring with an extra day of school. Fun. Every time a Korean Mom somewhere screams at their child to finish those extra 50 vocab worksheet on top of their school work, an angel gets it's wings. Did you begin studying for your SATs when you were 10? There, there, don't cry...you are not alone.


Because of the educational delinquency that is America, Korean Moms have taken it upon themselves to make, prepare, and administer extra homework; and if they cannot, they will hire some poor starving college kid to do it for them. Korean Moms thank God everyday for places like Kumon, Sylvan Learning Center, and private tutors. It is secretly every Korean Mom's dream for their child to finish the highest book/letter level at their local Kumon center. To be able to brag to other Korean Moms 'Susie finished level 'H' in Kumon yesterday...aigoo...she doesn't sleep or eat, she only studies hard' is a dream come true. When I finally got the courage up to tell my Korean Mom I wanted to quit Kumon after level 'D', she looked at me like I had just told her I have a second butt hole that poops peppermints, then proceeded to give me Stank Eye. Quitting is not an option. It is not even a word.

Korean Moms do not simply want you to do extra homework, they want you to do it fast. They want you to be the Michael Phelps of Math or the SATs. If you cannot do long division at lightening speed and in your head, you are 'special', the bad kind of 'special'. Yes, that's right...I said it...you know your Korean Mom was already thinking it. Once my Korean Mom caught me using my fingers to count. She threatened to cut them off. I also hated riding in the car with my Korean Mom because as she would drive, she would randomly shout multiplication at me, 'What a beautiful day...What's 4x3?!! Bballee! Bballee! - Faster Faster! - What you want to eat? 5x7?!! Why so slow?!!" A few times I peed a little out of fear. I peed a little just now typing this.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Dudes...

Hi everyone,

Please be tasteful in your commenting on this site.
Any disrespectful comments will be taken off.
This site is meant for anyone and everyone who enjoys it. It doesn't matter who you are, or whether or not you know or have a Korean Mom!
It's sort of a twisted love letter in a way...twisted being the operative word. :)
If you like it, please comment, please add!
If you don't, well, please don't torment those who do.

Mehm-Meh!!!


Love for all Korean Moms,
Chiyo

Monday, August 25, 2008

#45 Pale Skin

Korean Moms are advocates of 'the paler, the better'. They buy obscene amounts of skin perfecting, purifying, whitening creams and tonics in order to become as pale as possible. Pale equals happiness. It doesn't matter if an endangered whale had to be harpooned, its sperm collected, then shoved into a tiny Shesiedo bottle; if it makes them pale, Korean Moms will buy it. Not only will they buy it, they will take a bath in it. Having a healthy tan glow is not an option for the Korean Mom. That is death; pure and simple. In order not to suffer from tan skin, they will often wear driving gloves, and shield their faces with visors that resemble Robocop's headgear, only not as cool or functional. If you are tan or even *gasp* sunburnt, be prepared for her not so secret looks of despair and shame when she introduces you to other Korean Moms. Yes. You, my tanned friend, are a disgrace. My Korean Mom used to buy foundation five shades lighter than her acutal skin tone. When she was giving you the stank eye she looked a lot like a Sith Lord but scarier and with red lipstick.

Monday, August 18, 2008

#44 Jesus

Korean Moms everywhere love Jesus. Jesus is their homeboy. Korean Moms love Jesus because they relate to his story. The whole, 'I am divine yet I will sacrifice my life for you lowly creatures, I will suffer silently to save you all, then you will worship me'. This is the story of the Korean Mom's life...or so they like to imagine. Korean Moms love Jesus because, yes, they are Jesus. When they picture Jesus in their heads, they see themselves, perm and all. Jesus had the original Korean Mom perm...the coveted wave pama/perm you can only get in Flushing for 130 bucks. It is not that the Korean Mom is like Jesus; it is that Jesus is a Korean Mom. The question is not 'What Would Jesus Do' (WWJD) it's 'What Would Your Korean Mom Do' (WWYKMD). Jesus would never throw away a plastic bag, or sleep with a fan in his face because he knows doing so equals death. Jesus would never get less than an 'A+' on his Hebrew exam. Jesus would never talk back...and yes, he was probably a tall man. Jesus is every Korean Mom's dreamboat. We fantasize about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie; Korean Moms dream about Jesus in his white robe and gladiator sandals...hot. Not only is he everything they want to be, he is everything she will compare your future spouse to. There is a reason why Korean Moms are constantly calling on Jesus, 'Joo-yoh!' whenever something goes wrong, or something or someone displeases them. They are only reminding themselves of who they really are, and who they wish you could be. Once when I was a kid, I came home and saw my Korean Mom had hung a life size portrait of Jesus on our mantle. It was bigger than the TV, the microwave, the fireplace. There he was, just standing there in his giant gold frame with grape moldings on the edges, being all judgy. I swear there is a secret Korean Mom store just for these special gigantic Jesus items. Every time another Korean Mom came over, her eyes went straight to our Giant Jesus as she exclaimed 'Joh-ttah!'/Good!...the stamp of Korean Mom approval. He is there to this day.

Friday, August 8, 2008

#43 Death

Let's face it, Korean Moms are obsessed with death and dying. Not just any kind of death and dying, but the kind you wish you could witness. Have you ever heard your Korean Mom tell you not to turn on the electric fan in your room with the door closed or you will suffocate? They will say this to you, not in their gentle soothing voice (whatever that sounds like...), but they will scream it at you in their super sonic Korean Mom voice which only wild animals and ghosts can hear. As if you were secretly planning on dying this way, and she found you out. It almost makes you want to try it just to escape the piercing sound. Almost.

Korean Moms are a walking advertisement for 'Do not attempt this at home'. They will hammer amazing ways to die into your head even as a little kid. They have single handidly raised an entire generation of people with secret phobias. I admit that I am currently afraid of whistling at night. My Korean Mom told me that if I do this, thieves will rob me blind...hence, I now only whistle before noon.

Death is the consequence of choice for a Korean Mom. If she wants to teach you a lesson, or keep you away from something, she will tell you that it will kill you. Not that it will give you cavities, or ruin your moral character. No. She will flat out tell you that you will die. Some Moms informatively tell you to look both ways before crossing the street. Korean Moms don't hold back. They tell it like it is. If you do that...you're gonna die beyotch. According to my Korean Mom I should have already died several times over from Fan Death, eating too much Shin Ramyun, picking my nose, and talking back. Once, my Korean Mom told me that if I drink too much Coke-a-Cola, my skin would turn black...the equivalent of death to a Korean Mom.

-Kudos to Anonymous for the idea!

ps- Good to be home! Thanks for all the times I peed a little reading your comments. This is like free group therapy.