Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Korean Mom's believe everything can be bargained down to a better price...everything. At the grocers, department store, dentist, a blood bank, to child labor...everything. A Korean Mom will boldly walk into Barney's and try to negotiate a pair of Prada pumps from 800 to 8 dollars by complaining, "is no good!". You meanwhile, are standing nearby like a deer frozen in headlights, willing the floor to open up and swallow you whole. Not only do they bargain, they do so like they are about to punch you in the face. They are gangster. They put The Mob to shame. Their strategy has three operatives: 1) Scare the sales person into lowering the price 2) Belittle the merchandise so much that it looks like she is doing them a favor by purchasing it 3) Do it loud and proud. If crying ensues from the sales person it is a sign of a battle waged and a war won. Once my grandmother saw a kid outside the grocery store selling candy bars for two bucks a pop. Even though it was for Veterans or Cancer, or something like that, she insisted that a Hershey bar was not worth two bucks. She kept saying "In store cheaper! Only 50 cents! I give you one dollar for two!". I wanted to die. I don't know what scared the kid more, the fact that she was talking in Korean the whole time, or that her dollar smelled like it took a bath in mothballs.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Korean Mom's think that have
supernatural powers of linguistics. They believe anyone and anything can understand them even if they speak only in Korean, even animals. They are the Snow White of Asia. They speak Korean and the wild animals will heed and obey. Have you ever been in a Korean hair/nail salon or deli? Korean Moms will speak to their non-Korean employees in Korean all the time. If their non Korean employees do not understand, they are fired, or mocked in Korean until the pain of the verbal lashing causes them suddenly to miraculously understand. They also believe that Korean, not love, or music, is the universal language. To a Korean Mom God only speaks Korean. If you are praying in English, you have been wasting your time. If you ever find yourself unable to understand a Korean Mom speaking to you in Korean (even if you are White), just smile and nod. If you don't, she will become extremely irritated, say "aigoh", curse your name, and enroll you in Korean Language School the next available Saturday. Basically, she will make you feel like a loser. My Korean Mom used to speak to my brother's ex (Chinese) only in Korean. They broke up. He has been single since.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Korean Moms love to snoop. We have all at one time or another been victims of the 'Korean Mom Cleaning' that conveniently happens in your bedroom only on days when you are not at home. Cleaning = Snooping, which is really your Korean Mom's excuse to dig around and discover things to punish you for. There are particular things a Korean Mom will look for while snooping:
a) Drugs (Really anything that looks like a pill that is not from the Korean pharmacy)
c) Evidence you are sexually active (Ladies: being in possession of thong underwear counts as sexual activity. To a Korean Mom only prostitutes and Britney Spears wear thongs...neither of these being good.)
d) Porn (Beware, to a Korean Mom any sort of picture with someone wearing anything less than a turtleneck is Penthouse material)
e) Bad Grades
f) The Bible (if she sees this sitting somewhere prominent she will forgive you for at least "d" and maybe "b". If it is open with some highlighted passages clearly visible she may forgive you additionally for "e")
Do not ever straight up accuse a Korean Mom of snooping. She will only assume you are hiding something unforgivable like a condom (even though she does not know what they look like) or a 'B+', and commence looking for said evidence as soon as you leave the house. The condom she will probably not find, because she will think it is a giant piece candy...but the 'B+'? Oh, she will find it my friend...and you will pay.