Saturday, October 18, 2008

#51 Talking Smack


Korean Moms love to talk smack, not just any kind of smack, they take it to the next level. Which level you ask? The level where you're crying that heaving, 'I cant breathe' cry because they tag team and talk smack right in front of your ass...about your ass...literally. Sure they could talk smack about you behind your back, but no, that's too easy; child's play. Korean Moms prefer to talk smack about you where you can hear them and feel the wrath of their stank eye all at the same time. What does this feel like? Like that feeling right before throwing up, being forced to watch the mini-me/Verne Troyer sex tape, or burning in Hell, whichever of the three is worse. My bet's on mini-me. The kinds of things a Korean Mom will talk smack about vary anywhere from how fat you are to how that pimple on your forehead looks like a third eye. Pretty much as long as you're alive and breathing, anything is game. Actually, now that I think about it, being dead does not truly exempt you from smack talk either. A Korean Mom will always enlist the help of one or more Korean Moms in order to lay the smack down on you. Let me paint you a lovely little picture. There you are, standing in line at Starbucks, when a couple of Korean Moms creep up behind you and start the take down. They smack talk in Korean but allow you to hear and understand key words like "ugly", "Oh My God", "fat" or "crazy", driving you up the wall trying to figure out whether they're talking about you or the stale donut in the pastry case. Just so you know, yes, they are talking about you. Once my Korean Mom and I spied a lady in our vicinity with her sparkly purple thong underwear unnecessarily pulled up above her low-rise Britney Spears jeans on her non Britney Spears booty (pre-head shave). She turns to me and says in her whisper on steroids, 'Geh, THONG, nuh-moo SHOW-heh. FAT sah-rahm THONG WEAR hah-myun ahn-dweh! OH MY GOD". As the Britney Wannabe's head began to swivel towards us, my Korean Mom's stank eye began to blaze while her perm curled even tighter, preparing for K.O. At that moment, I prayed to whomever was listening that I would be able to block this out of my memory until I could pay for expensive therapy to explain away and heal my emotional damage. No such luck.

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! I thought my KM-in-Law was the only one to say "Geh", prior to talking smack about someone (usually it it about a Korean Preacher). After reading this blog, I realized my KM-in-Law is just like all of the others. She came to visit us (I'm white -- boy was the difficult for her) and I took her to the local Korean food store. The cashier rung up the purchases and I just stood there -- after all, I not going to eat the Kim Chi and fish eggs -- she then said, "Well, pay her!" She then started devouring the fish eggs. I pointed out that I had never seen her eat those type of fish eggs. She replied that she usually does not buy them because they are too expensive.

Pamela said...

OMG this is my mom TOTALLY! LOL!

Julie said...

Oh man, Korean moms are really bad about the smack talk, but Korean grandmas take the cake. On my son's "dol," the highlight of a new mom's achievement, one grandma came up to our table to congratulate me on raising a beautiful boy. I thanked her graciously as she slipped a gold ring onto his finger. Then she turned to me and said so ALL 200 PEOPLE CAN HEAR, "But come on, Julie, you still look pregnant! For the love of God, go on a diet!"

So yeah, I gave that halmoni the stalest rice cakes. That was all the revenge I was able to think of at the time. Shame!

ngf said...

talking smack is a way to pass the time...it's like seinfeld on crack...it's fun to watch so long as you're outside the range of fire...

otherwise, you're an ant being burned alive by a magnifying glass...kids can be cruel but KMs will beat the crap out of those kids and give them an inferiority complex that they will suffer under for the rest of their lives...

eh?..(sniff)...what's that smell?...smell's like something's burning...oh god....

Alex C. said...

Brilliant as always...

dreams2ashes said...

"whisper on steroids,"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Anonymous said...

Too funny...but I think this description fits my halmony more than my mom.

You should blog on forms of punishment..like chasing their kids with fly swatters, brooms, sticks they take off of the trees in your backyard, clothes hangers, etc.

kijest said...

yeah! what's up w/the FAT TALK? why is that her favorite diss? my mom also likes to comment on my large teeth and bowleggedness...she said it's because farm women used to strap their babies to their backs whilst picking rice.
good times...good times.
(while i am bucktoothed and bowelegged, i'm quite fetching...i possess the much coveted asian attributes of tallness, fairness, eyelid-folds 'good hair')

Linh said...

This is so dead on! lol. I may not have a Korean mom, but she's Asian nonetheless. Most of your posts describe her perfectly!

hreeves said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jokim said...

I don't know if this is just my mom.. but you should talk about how korean moms like to call you out of the blue and tell you not to go out or do anything today (of course, except attending class) because she had a very bad dream last night and bad things can happen to you today.. so you spend the rest of your day paranoid as hell!! i don't know, maybe this is just my mom..

DJ said...

Omg, this blog is hilarious...you should do stand up comedy. XD

alice said...

i just wanted to say u make me laugh until i cry ;) seriously u describe my mom and my aunt oh geez im saving from reading all ur posts so everytime i feel down i can read on of yours!!!

Jennifer said...

i came across this site, and I wanted to say it's hilarioussss I laugh every time.

~ Sil in Corea said...

BWAAAHHHHAHHHAHHH! You tell 'em, gal. All so True!

pandy said...

It's not just the KM's or even women who engage in the smack talk. Even kindly old hara-buhji's will not hesitate telling someone to their face that they're fat and ugly!

This national rudeness is directly related to the Korean epidemic of plastic surgery. And the reason why so many reasonably good-looking people carry around ugly babies. (That's right, I'm not exempt from smack talk! Some babies are not as cute as others, and you can't fool DNA. It's just the truth.)

But it's no problem, just wait 'til those babies are old enough, and they can be cut-n-sewn to new, more pleasing shapes!

thwany said...

puahaha

Anonymous said...

This is classic Korean Mom. I've gotten the smack-talk-treatment more times than I can count. This blog is dead-on.



Also, I don't know if this is just my mom or all Korean moms, but maybe a future entry could be "not believing expiration dates". Seriously. My mom has given us milk weeks past the expiration date, claiming it is "still good". One year, she even reused the halloween candy from the year before, becoming angry when her children told her that no one wants expired candy. To her, it was not expired.

young k-a mommy said...

Congrats to you on your hysterical blog. Not every post is true for every mom, but most made me laugh like crazy.

You might never run out of ideas, KMs being crazy as they are, but here are a couple if you want:

- going to the gym to do "oon-dong" but basically just sitting around in the sauna or pool
- the korean-mom-run, which is a cross between speed walking, shuffling and keeping your fists up
- gardening
-hitting/spanking/using a meh-meh (even when you're already an adult)
- advanced degrees. PhD or MD

Heather *IsaBella and Harrison's Mommy* said...

I thought you were talking about a situation I was in recently with my KM! Yes, she says it just loud enough for everyone to hear, and yes, she mixes up the Korean with English so you can get the gist of it and yes, I am mortified when she does it! About 1 month after the baby was born, she asked me why I hadn't lost the weight yet - that everybody she knows has gone back to their prepregnancy size within 1 month! Yeah, I guess all her friends are celebrities...

Love always,
Heather

Renee said...

You are too funny. Well I don't have a Korean Mom, but I do have a Scottish Mom. Moms being Moms the world over there are so many similarities but yes there are differences too.

Anyway, I have Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer and since there is no Stage 5. I write a blog too and it is

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com

I wanted you to know that I read two blogs for laugh therapy and yours is one of them.

Thanks for the laughs.

Renee Khan

Sang-A Bae said...

LOL!

I just read your whole blog from #1 and IT'S SOOOO TRUE (except my mom isn't as radical as the Korean mom described in this blog, but I definitely had moments where I read a post and I was like, "OMG ROFL THAT IS SOOO TRUE!!!!") it's so hard to find blogs nowadays that'll really make you laugh out loud.

Awesome! I'll definitely be looking forwad to your next post. :D

Pajeon Princess said...

I swear to God I almost cried with laughter reading this. ...the stank eye...that phrase should go in the dictionary. genius.

Jade Park said...

omg rofl, lmao at the quote "Geh, THONG, nuh-moo SHOW-heh...OH MY GOD."

can hardly breathe, laughing so hard. just said it aloud to my husband who doesn't speak Korean and he's laughing his ass off too.

Joolay said...

I SHIT MY PANTS LAUGHING AT THIS
"Geh, THONG, nuh-moo SHOW-heh. FAT sah-rahm THONG WEAR hah-myun ahn-dweh! OH MY GOD"
THATS THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER

Stacy said...

this is too hilarious

Jaden Choi said...

I've been reading your blogs for a while now, and I notice a growing trend in your posts. It's disconcerting to see that, instead of nullifying stereotypes against Korean/Korean Americans, you continuously partake in amplifying them. I understand that some of your posts are meant to be humorous in context, but please consider the new stereotypes you are creating when others view your blogs. For example, the post about Korean mothers "talking smack". Truly, what percentage of Korean moms do you suppose do this (or even take it to the next level)? Are you saying that Koreans are genetically predisposed of "talking smack"? Which gene would express that? Or does our culture encourage this? If so, which aspect of Korean culture is responsible for providing such an atmosphere? I surely don't know of any. My mom doesn't do this, neither do any Koreans moms that I know. Please, I don't mean to be judgemental because I despise heuristic assumptions placed on people, but you are very reminiscent of Margaret Cho; and NO, I do not mean that as a compliment.

sandra said...

so true, especially talking smack about fat people.

Anonymous said...

Jaden Choi, I'm going to go out on a limb here- this blog is mainly read by Koreans with Korean moms. This site provides far more humor, therapy and acceptance than fostering stereotypes and putting Koreans down.

I'm going to go out on another limb- judging from the fact your name is Jaden, I'm going to assume your parents are very Americanized (perhaps 1st or 2nd generation with advanced degrees). Either that, or you picked that name out for yourself because there's no way an immigrant parent would name their kid Jaden. If so, maybe it makes sense your KM does not exhibit the traits highlighted in this blog.

Chiyo, please go on. This is the closest thing to therapy my cheap Korean ass will afford. I don't know what I would do without it. Power to a sista.

Anonymous said...

Yes! Smack talk. I'm 25 and live outside the house. Whenver I come home, I get pummelled with verbal bullets: your hair looks gross, your clothes look cheap, why are you not married, etc etc. From the moment I step in the door, it's nothing but cut downs. I was upstairs once and I heard my dad say loudly to my mom, "I think something's wrong with her brain." I'm surprised I haven't been committed to an institution yet.

WHY ARE KOREAN MOMS SO NEGATIVE?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog accidentally and have only read a few of the posts. At times I was horrified, and at times I couldn't control my laughter. You see, I am a KM -- a Korean Mom. I have never responded to a blog, but here I am ... anonymously (what did you expect from a KM???)to say that I am partially guilty of some of the things I've read, BUT I am proud to say that I am NOT guilty of talking smack. So all you young ladies who are not moms yet, or are moms of youngsters, here is a warning from a current full-fledged KM: when you open your mouth and hear your mom, shut your mouth! Hopefully, we can break some of the chains that antagonize us, so that in 20 years, I will not have to read another blog from your children complaining about how negative their KMs are!

Ladies and gents, just parenting is hard enough. You do have to admit, that your moms, living in a foreign land, speaking Konglish, have indeed done a good job -- well, the best they could under the circumstances, otherwise, you wouldn't be where you are.

Thank God for your moms and go give them a hug. Tell them their sacrifices are appreciated. You might be surprised at what happens next. After all, KMs are condescending, critical, hypocritical, overbearing, pompous women who thinks their children are the paramount of humanity! (at least in front of other KMs!)

Anonymous said...

Ya know, I never understood what good is using your foreign language skillz to talk behind (or in front of, I guess) someone's big ol' back if you're going to speak the key words in English??

Funny, funny post.

Henrique said...

I found your blog a couple of days ago. It's hilarious! I'm a Brazilian studying in Korea, and my roommate is Korean. He always tells me stories about his mom, but now with this blog, I'm helping him understand the situation. You should have a version of this blog written in Korean... there's a lot of people here that need help! haha.

IRON said...

Hello, I'm a korean born and raised in seoul for about 19 years and,
I found your blog just yesterday. and I'm so much surprised at your post!
whenever I see ur "EACH" sentence,
I'm like " OH MY GOD!! It's totally her!! my mom's there !!
oh wait.. are you my sister?
It's not only just funny but also freaking me out!
"nuh-moo ya-heh" (on streets) and "ne-ga mot-sal-a"(punish time)
E.X.A.C.T.L.Y. SAME!
WOW.. this blog really need the korean version, so all of my friends could get ROFL moments !!
just genius !
and I can see that you so much love your mom.
Love for all korean moms//

Nanci said...

Once I invited a college friend over and she helped herself to rice by scooping it up from the forbidden center zone of the immaculate zen-like rice mound inside the cooker. After sucking air through teeth (code for watch out, someone's tired/had a bad day/no 3 strike policy only 1), the smack talk began, "Juh gah she-nah...RICE uh-tuh-keh buhlut upshee puh? AMERICANS soo-noon, ah la juh ya deh. CRAZY sah-lam gah-chee ha neh. Yuh jah ga weh goo-leh?" "dddtttch!" (that sound KM's make with their tongues when they disapprove and believe there is zero hope left for you).

Your blog is spot on about KM's. God bless them and have mercy on us!

Rich P said...

Absolute Genius.

I'm an English guy living in Seoul who can speak Korean.

Once a Korean Mom talked smack about me in Korean in the 7/11... I was young and inexerienced and had the gall to talk smack back... I know better now...

Jen said...

Every weekend my husband and I would go to a Korean grocery store. The ajima loved my husband. I don't know if it's because he smiles a lot or because he's a doctor but this ajima adored him. He's not even Korean! I'm the one who is Korean! One day after paying our bill she asked me if I was his mother. She then gave me the stank eye after I said no.

Dori Dori! said...

this is actually very sad. korean moms talk really cruel talk. my mom always ridicules (now my sister tag team smack talks) me, about how I look, intelligence, everything.

she tells me I am fucked in the head and that I need to see a psychiatrist.

sometimes it gets too much, it makes me want to commit suicide I tell her. she says suicide and depression is for pussies and that I am not a man.

Soo-jin said...

I realize I am late on the game in regards to finding this blog, but my sister and I are sobbing from laughter. It's like we are all brothers and sisters, with our KMs!

ijoemonkey said...

I love how you wrote up a KOREAN conversation and it's still totally understandable!

Unknown said...

it's not just Korean mothers.. Koreans are very honest about their appearances and others, especially women/girls. I can talk to my Korean friends about my weight, pimples and everything without everyone being that sensitive about it.

Anonymous said...

talking smack applies to all mother
once my mum talk smack about me with my sister, then couple days later she started to talk smack with my other sister about the sister she talk smack with about me,
its a hobby i tell ya