Monday, August 18, 2008

#44 Jesus

Korean Moms everywhere love Jesus. Jesus is their homeboy. Korean Moms love Jesus because they relate to his story. The whole, 'I am divine yet I will sacrifice my life for you lowly creatures, I will suffer silently to save you all, then you will worship me'. This is the story of the Korean Mom's life...or so they like to imagine. Korean Moms love Jesus because, yes, they are Jesus. When they picture Jesus in their heads, they see themselves, perm and all. Jesus had the original Korean Mom perm...the coveted wave pama/perm you can only get in Flushing for 130 bucks. It is not that the Korean Mom is like Jesus; it is that Jesus is a Korean Mom. The question is not 'What Would Jesus Do' (WWJD) it's 'What Would Your Korean Mom Do' (WWYKMD). Jesus would never throw away a plastic bag, or sleep with a fan in his face because he knows doing so equals death. Jesus would never get less than an 'A+' on his Hebrew exam. Jesus would never talk back...and yes, he was probably a tall man. Jesus is every Korean Mom's dreamboat. We fantasize about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie; Korean Moms dream about Jesus in his white robe and gladiator sandals...hot. Not only is he everything they want to be, he is everything she will compare your future spouse to. There is a reason why Korean Moms are constantly calling on Jesus, 'Joo-yoh!' whenever something goes wrong, or something or someone displeases them. They are only reminding themselves of who they really are, and who they wish you could be. Once when I was a kid, I came home and saw my Korean Mom had hung a life size portrait of Jesus on our mantle. It was bigger than the TV, the microwave, the fireplace. There he was, just standing there in his giant gold frame with grape moldings on the edges, being all judgy. I swear there is a secret Korean Mom store just for these special gigantic Jesus items. Every time another Korean Mom came over, her eyes went straight to our Giant Jesus as she exclaimed 'Joh-ttah!'/Good!...the stamp of Korean Mom approval. He is there to this day.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL so freakin' true! Hahaha. God, I love this site!

Lady_V said...

Ahahahaha. You never fail to make me laugh.

Cindy (and Brian) said...

This is the funniest and TRUEST thing I've EVER read!!!
Joh-ttah!
I LOVE your site!!!

Jullietta said...

My mum must shop at the same place. My white friends don't really sitting in our living room. Might be becuase of those 2 friggin pictures of Jesus and Mary that hang above the couches.

Wife and Mommy said...

Oh, you had that portrait too? My mom also had a rhinestone pin that spelled JESUS, which she wore on her coat. You could see her with that glittering JESUS coming from a mile away! Joh-ttah!

Hey, I wrote about you in my blog: http://www.wifeandmommy.com/2008/08/hilarious-blogs.html

jennifer west said...

Oh my god, that picture!! hahahaa

Ben said...

when i was in high school, i had a poster of the Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus on my wall. my mom promptly tore it down because it featured the bare bottom of a naked hottie.

http://www.caffeine-headache.net/weblog/fb5e124128a09aabb0545010.L.jpg

i ripped a bible in half in retaliation. i think she is still in shock from that.

ironic that she left the metallica poster untouched.

Anonymous said...

Chiyo:

This blog is soooooo funny and always right on !

Please do a post about how Korean moms HATE the sun, yell at their daughters (especially) to stay out of the sun, carry embarassing parasols, and wear those ridiculous hats in the summer !

Grace said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grace said...

^ I was just going to suggest doing a post about those awful welding-mask visors that Korean moms wear.. you know, the see-through ones you can flip down in order to shield yourself from the sun's death rays.

Geez, we also have a gigantic portrait of Jesus looking down on all the sofas in our living room. You know, this one:

http://www.smileyme.com/posters_art_prints/print_head_of_christ_warner_sallman_jesus_portrait.gif

Extremely disconcerting when my boyfriend comes over for some movie time and gropes my boob under His watchful stare.

Janet said...

I grew up with a glow in the dark virgin mary that stared at me all night long. She was scarier spookier more ghostlier than any giant jesus. I grew up catholic so we had a thing for the VIRGIN mary as well as Jesus. Of course, having a cross made of diamonds around her neck was fine. Giant grisly crucifix above the mantle was our thing. Blood dripping down and nails in the hands. The whole gruesome nine yards. Totally appropriate for young children doncha think?

Blue Floppy Hat said...

I haven't much experience of Korean moms, or Koreans in general, but I think I can vouch for the accuracy of the Jesus thing :)

xAcasiaLeavesx said...

Once, my mom told me it's not okay to date white guys with blonde hair, but it's okay to date guys with brown hair because "that's like Jesus".

She pretended not to listen when I pointed out that Jesus probably looked like the average Arabic man, since he was from the Middle East area and all.

brown eyed girl said...

Don't forget all the Korean moms who are Catholic (like mine). You get the double-whammy with Jesus and HIS mom. Mary statues, busts, and little photos everywhere...

NGF said...

gold picture frame with the grape mouldings...i always wondered about the grape mouldings...

Anonymous said...

dude, i had a HUGE Jesus CARPET hanging on our wall. i think it was like 8x10 and it was made of velvet. i heart Jesus and all but it was so embarrassing to bring my friends over as a child.

Anonymous said...

Don't know where my KM found it but one day, another huge "picture" of Jesus entered our house. But truly...um...special in that the eyes and hands moved in different directions as you moved (and I don't know correct term for this). Competely creeped me out because although in stairway, could be seen from living room. And of course, Jesus followed you allll the way up and down the stairs.

Anonymous said...

Ok. Just got off phone w/ my Korean mom (who by the way sounded like she was yelling into her phone and so I had my phone at least 6 inches from my head AND I could still hear her perfectly).

What is up with the 2 or 3 different birthdays? I understand the whole lunar calendar thing but every friggin year she reminds me to call this or that auntie and wish her a happy birthday but then goes into a tirade about how auntie's Korean birthday is on this date but her American birthday is on another date and how when she moved to the US, Customs got it wrong and she has a third birthday. AND THEN SHE DOES THIS WITH HER OWN BIRTHDAY AND REPEATS IT FOR EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY...Is it just my KM????

bokumbop said...

I ... am ... dying ... wheeze wheeze ... and I don't even have the fan on!!

This was too good.

Anonymous said...

what about turning all sneakers into slippers by stepping on the backs. or shoes with no laces or shoes that they keep tied, basically shoes that are easy to take on or off. i think dads do both also.

also, along with perms, korean moms love short hair. i think if you're past the age of 40, you will have short hair.

ellis reed said...

I'm just about to leave for Korea for a year. Is the kind of stuff I have to look forward to? If so, I can't wait.

denis said...

Your writing is hilarious. I've been living in Korea for about 3 years. Love Korean moms! Keep it up!

dreams2ashes said...

heres a good one... turning old underwear into rags lol


lol this is so true ESP about the sacrificing and all that

Anonymous said...

JEJUS!!

Anonymous said...

Okay I have to say this. Your picture of "Jesus" looks a lot like the Korean R&B singer Tim wearing a faux-stache/beard. Am I wrong?

Migook said...

I have a Korean mother-in-law so have spent a little bit of time in Korean markets, beauty shops etc and every time I go into one, I get offered a church calendar...I guess it is an ice breaker...but I often get it from the same person in the same week. All white guys must look the same

Su Won said...

I love this site, but this post, man, I can feel that angry stare burning into my head from my mom for laughing at this. Because Jesus told her I was reading this.

Peter S. said...

He looks like he's hanging out in a jimjilbang. I'd believe in Jesus too (or anything for that matter), getting all dizzy in one of those places.

milkychuu said...

omg.
my stomach hurts from laughing at your posts so much.
i LOVE this!
keep it up! ^-^
it makes me feel more lighthearted about my aggravating mother.
not only is korean but also starting MENOPAUSE
great!

Anonymous said...

Can you please please please add something about yelling on the phone? Seriously? My mom would yell so loud on the phone it was just ridiculous. I mean, I had an answering machine in my dorm but I got rid of it because my mom would leave these incredibly loud and embarrassing messages about my grades and fat content, and my roommates thought it was so funny they would play them over and over.

Anonymous said...

this is actually my korean dad, but i'm sure my korean mom would've said it if he hadn't beaten her to the punch.

i went to a wonderful orthodox jewish wedding of a friend's and i called my parents to let them know. my dad patiently listened to me gush about the wedding. when i was finished, he paused, took a breath and said, "you know they don't believe in jesus."

midnight_mile said...

Korean MIL has a "Last Supper" tapestry taking up an entire bedroom wall. There are scary Jesus portraits all around the house, not to mention crucifixes. I find church calenders in the oddest of places. Bathroom?? O_o

Also when my atheist Korean boyfriend inherited one of his dad's cars, he tried to take off the Jesus fish decal. He was nearly disowned.

Anonymous said...

I've read the Jesus post about five times and every time I see the picture of the Korean wave permed Jesus I just about fall off my seat from lack of oxygen because I can't inhale when I'm laughing so hard! And he's kind of grinning like he KNOWS I'm laughing. Perfect post!

Mrs. Seoul said...

HAHAHAHA! My mom had the big Jesus carpet (the last supper), write next to the giant life sized picture of Jesus. In the next room, you's see a cross and of course some Korean frames with words that said things like "Jesus loves you, Jesus died for you, Jesus is watching you...and then of course there was the Jesus clock and the Jesus Rapture art in gold frame at the entrance wall. Soon as you opened the door to our home, there it was JESUS!
My mom always told us that God was watching us and Jesus was telling her what we did! LOVE LOVE this post! and now I'm a new fan of your blog:)

Ams said...

Yes, that is Tim Hwang. He played Jesus in a musical this year.

Yoo said...

Hilarious stuff! I'm going to take a few excerpts on my site! Freakin hilarious!!!

lilpandapaw said...

So what do you call it when your parents have Jesus on the mantle flanked by the late Pope John Paul II and the current Pope Benedict???

A: Freaked out boyfriends...

sunox said...

Are asian moms similar, not just Korean moms???!!!! The skin color is pretty popular where I come from, BE PALE!!! Asian Christians...lots, lots of religious items all over the house.... yeah, parents don't care if they embarrass their kids in front of people.. Keep on bloggin, I relate to you, even I'm not Korean, just another asian!!!

Anonymous said...

man i'm sick of koreans becoming christian. we are a budhist country and we only became christian when the americans came to our country

Jean said...

You are SO funny! I'm having post traumatic flashbacks of my mom's 60 inch gold-plated Norwegian Jesus on steroids painting installed conspicuously amongst our attractive Louis IV embroidered furniture, precious moments figurines and ceramic pink 'Mozart playing the piano' lamp all within the comfortable plastic all white room set at a comfortable 60 degree. God forbid we spend money heating the place. Upon reflection, perhaps it was an homage to Norwegian Jesus.

Anonymous said...

I love that your picture depicts Jesus as Asian influenced. Keep it coming Chiyo! Great stuff!

Anita Lauer said...

I'm an ESL teacher and this is my first year in Korea. Your site is hysterical and is helping me forgive my boss a little bit. She goes through the recycling and confronts me with almost everything that I ever throw out. NO, I do not need it, that's why I threw it out!

kim-chic said...

did anyone have the 3-D yes-soo-neem picture in their house? we did. it's very unsettling to have God's only begotten son's eyes follow you around a room.

Living makes History.................. said...

I do find your blog enjoyable, but I felt the itch to comment on this post. It just seemed like there was some misleading statements written here. "Korean Moms...are Jesus."
Who is Jesus? Where is Jesus?
If you read the bible, you would know He lived a righteous life, died on the Cross and publicly disgraced, and paid for all our sins so we could have a chance to get to Heaven. He rose from the dead on the third day, after God was fully satisfied as His son Jesus took the wrath of God.

So that's what I find misleading. How can someone else be Jesus? They surely didn't live a sinless life.

And when you said that Jesus is someone to be fantasized, it just sounded like He was an idol, which is surely not true.

Although this post wasn't using Christ's name in vain, blasphemy as it is known in the commandments, it still isn't right in a certain way.

Other than that, there are also good points here : "He is everything they want to be,..."
As He lived a righteous and holy life, that too is what we should strive to do. Although we can't be sinless, since all have sinned, striving to live like Him is the best we should try to be.
"Jesus would never talk back..." It wasn't mentioned in the bible, or maybe I haven't read that part if there was, but it would be likely to be that way.

Okay, gotta really head to bed since it's the next day in a few minutes.

Take care and keep up with the good posts!

-Kim

Anonymous said...

My KM would always hang this gigantic ass Jesus wall hanging in my room. It looked like a rug, except it was on on our wall and it covered the WHOLE wall. It went well with my me and my sisters Backstreet Boys and other hot guy posters.