Monday, March 17, 2008

#15 Mother in law/Daughter in law adversity


All Korean moms disapprove of their daughters-in-law on some level. This long tradition of hatred is deeply rooted in Korean moms' unreasonably high opinion of their sons (See #7) and the belief that their precious sons are being stolen/taken away through marriage. Moms are encouraged by Korean dramas to exhibit erratic behavior when sons develop an interest women...any woman. This adversity can begin as early as the dating period. One time I didn't wash a dish (yes, one dish) that I used at my ex-boyfriend's house and his mother called me a whore, and yes, he called to tell me.

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

i'm going through this right now. it doesnt make ANY sense and its unfair.

Anonymous said...

LOL yes true
my brother has not been married yet but my mom hates all the GF he had. and she tried to break them up all the time. she says all the girls my brother dates are evil, slutty or stupid and ugly LOL!!

Anonymous said...

I do believe you've been peeking through my mother-in-law's window and seeing our interactions!! lol

Anonymous said...

I don't understand this one either. Why are kmil's so notoriously nasty to their dils??? My kmil made it so obvious that she was jealous of me and my DH's relationship. She acts like a 13 yr old brat!

Anonymous said...

Sadly, in Korean culture the daughter-in-law is basically "adopted" into the husband's family. Her family no longer exists. The mother-in-law is master and the daughter-in-law is slave. Maybe just like abused children often grow up to become abusive, those who had the toughest mother-in-laws become those bitter, hateful mother-in-laws, of course that's no excuse. In Korea the divorce rate is nearly 50%, only second to the states, mostly because of the difficult mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationships. But, I do know some very kind Korean mother-in-laws, interestingly they had no mother-in-laws of their own or they also had very kind mother-in-laws. Maybe that's what to look for, ask your boyfriend's mom what HER mother-in-law was like before saying yes. :)

Anonymous said...

50% divorce rate?! What a load of bullshit. Not even the US has such high divorce rates and they have the most relaxed divorce laws.

I hate it when people spout statistics without backup. Huh, as if adding a % sign to their opinions would make it any more valid.

http://bridgingculturekorea.blogspot.com/2004/08/korean-divorce-rate-on-rise.html
http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_div_rat-people-divorce-rate
http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_div_per_100_mar-people-divorces-per-100-marriages

Anonymous said...

Anony@07-Aug-08/5:08pm: Accuracy aside, find it odd that you offer up stats to put down use of stats, especially when sources cited don't necessarily have most current figures. Regardless of actual percentage, significant that globally, divorce rate of Korea is 3rd behind US and UK.

Anonymous said...

I had a lot of Korean friends in college, and heard about stressful family dynamics -- mainly interfering moms and intolerant dads -- from them. I made a mental note to not marry a Korean. But now, 15 years later, I've realized that my mother is the biggest brat on earth, and my MIL comes from a lousy, blame-filled family too. Her two oldest sons don't even talk to her. No, she's not Korean. The joke is on me. This is universal.

midnight_mile said...

I am so glad to know I'm not the only one going through this! Korean MIL is nice to my face but when my back is turned, she lays into her son and yells at him about things she thinks I do wrong. Most of which is greatly embellished, haha. We recently butted heads because I need to get ready for work at the same time she needs to get ready for church. There is only one bathroom. I think you see where this is going...

Anonymous said...

This is not relevant to Korean moms. This applies to ALL moms. All moms do not approve their daughters in law.

Heather *IsaBella and Harrison's Mommy* said...

First of all, as EMBARRASSING as it may be, it's true that Korea is/was #1 or #2 in highest divorce rates... Sad, but true... (And of course, US was #1 or #1) Anyhoos, I've known kmil's to be the worst MIL's on earth, but I have an angel for a MIL and she treats me like her own daughter (maybe even better?) and I just have a great love, admiration and respect for her. She is the woman who birthed my wonderful husband and brought him up to be the AWESOME dad and hubby that he is. She is patient when I'm retarded, always teaches me new things (especially in the kitchen/cooking department), and loves my children like there's no tomorrow. I love her very much and am so glad that she is not the typical KMIL!

Love always,
Heather

P.S. My mom is so jealous that I have a good relationship with my MIL because her MIL was a witch and yup, she's looking up at us from Hell!

Anonymous said...

I wish you wouldn't even think might not be quick or smart (retar etc.) for a second because some MIL's like you if somehow you feel "less" than they (not respect, but demeaned somehow).
Anyway, you ARE lucky- I've been wanting to marry my boyfriend for six years but she and a manipulative family comes with it. Its very depressing. Maybe someday we will move far away from them.

Joe Andersen said...

My wife is Korean, I love her Mum, she is kind and loving, she cooks well and feeds me. When I was going out with a western girl her parents were worse. Much worse!

Anonymous said...

joe--the problem is usually with mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. the parents of a korean women don't usually give shit to their daughter's husband. my mom loves my husband, but give lots of shit to my brother's wife. there's definitely something here about how much license you think you have as a mother-in-law to torture your daughter-in-law.

Anonymous said...

I have heard that Korean parents usually prefer their korean daughters to marry outside of the culture and their sons to marry within the culture. Reasoning for this was reported to be due to the traditions/cultures expectations of korean women to be obedient and subservient to the korean husband. So when their daughters get married korean parents are approving and accepting of caucasian husbands, because they feel their daughters will be free to be who they are and taken care of. But yet, they still expect their korean sons to marry korean women.

Anonymous said...

I hate to say this, but I think it's an Asian thing in general. I married a Chinese man and am contemplating divorce due to this. If you didn't specify Korean I would have sworn you were talking about his family.

Okibum said...

Try being a fat waeguk :-)

Anonymous said...

In fairness to Korean moms, nobody loves you like your mother, and the woman you are marrying probably is a whore.

Anonymous said...

My half Korean husband just sent me a link to this blog and it does make me feel little better knowing there are other people going through this. My KMIL is ruthless and really I am having trouble figuring out what to do about it. I don't want to get a divorce, but this woman has me in tears almost daily with her berating in front of my children. My husband does his best to defend me, but obviously her opinion of him is not much higher than it is of mine.

My parents never treated me this way and I had no idea this would be an issue until we were married.

Anyway thanks ladies. I wish there was a forum I could vent my daily troubles to.

Today she told my husband in front of me that he would have been better off marrying a garbage lady instead of a blind lady ( I wear glasses)....she said that is what he gets from marrying someone he met on the computer. (We met through a friend on line)
So there's that!

Anonymous said...

Many of your observations are broader than the Korean context. I don't know if they are universal, but are definitely within the Sinitic world view. Thus, Chinese, Korean, and Vietnamese behaviours and attitudes are quite similar.

www.fairbankreport.blogspot.com

Svetlana said...

Well,I am Russian(but grew in America) and my long-term boyfriend is Korean.Before i went KOrea and met with my MIL everything was great,we had many future plans.We decided every date about marriage,engaging etc.Well,after i met with her in 2nd day,she fought with me.I cant say,we fought because i couldn't say anyworld way she was humiliating me with half korean half english.She doesnt know me at all but she told me,You can not cook,here is Korea not America,she tried to control me actually.Now,she doesnt like me at all.She calls me "devil".and my bf changed the all plans about us.I am so f... up with KOREAN Mother-In-Law

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I found this blog, you cannot imagine. I have been living with my Half Korean bf for almost 2 years already. We are still very much deeply in love and planning on getting married. I had never met his Korean mom who does not live in the same country as we do. Well, 3 wks ago she came to stay with us. It has been 3 long weeks of hell for me. I welcomed her with open arms. From the 1 st day we went to a buffet dinner with my own family as well - and that night she already told my bf that I'm selfish because I served myself first! At first I was a bit shocked and upset as I was trying my best to make the best impression... things started getting worse by the day. Not only did she start changing everything around in our apartment (including packing all my cosmetics away in my bag as if I were moving...) fair enough; maybe she was being "nice" but the events that were to follow; over the course of the last weeks, I have been called every possible offensive name in the book. She treats me like a slave, she says mean things about me to her son and makes me feel like I'm useless and she keeps telling him that I disrepect her!!(?). I cry every day and she just doesn't stop torturing me mentally. I am a good and kind person, as well as very respectful to EVERYONE I meet, and have dealt with many different people in my life, I am open and informed on different cultures, am Greek myself. However this woman will not stop. She lies to her son about me every day, blows things out of proportion completely. Eg even after she made me cry about something nasty she said to him about me, I offered to drive her around the shops the next day with me (coz if I leave the house alone without her I'm a slut) so as I called the elevator for us, I accidently went in first... and that was it. This event started another huge row, by the time we got to the car, I had to wait for her to even open her damn door. Girls, I'm sorry, this is NOT normal. This is going against our human rights and no-one should EVER be treated like they're 2nd class rubbish. I feel like my rights as a woman - as a human have been denied me, that I have no freedom to think or act the way I choose, I already cook and clean (I always have) but I seriously don't even enjoy doing that anymore even for my bf. I do not want this woman anywhere even near my baby, if I decide to get married to her son and actually have a family of our own.

Anonymous said...

well, it's all girls here by looks of it... i'm a caucasian male married to a korean woman, and my kmil is as hell as anything above.
demanding to be the centre of our universe, no matter how rude and disrespectful she is to me, the kids or my wife (her daughter!). leaving korea soon because of this woman

J.S. said...

To all the people having trouble with their mother-in-laws. You need to get your spouse to stand up to them. The consequence for being disrespectful to you is that they can't be a part of your lives. It's a simple as that. Be kind or leave. Sadly, some of them will choose to leave.

Btw, it goes both ways. You have to treat your mil with respect and kindness too. No talking badly about her to your children and such.

Anonymous said...

To the guy who replied right after my post here, if my bf could express himself - he would write something here too!
The thing is, in reply to the last post, my bf has tried standing up for me several times, in fact, he even struggles to stand up for himself, against her! But this woman is so mean that once she's crossed and she feels outnumbered - there is really no telling what she's capable of. Eg we prepared a fish bbq especially for her. I even put all our differences aside and went and bought fresh salmon, cod, prawns - all the fish I know she likes. My bf finished work and came home merrily to start the barbie with me, we finished, got everything ready, set the table really lovingly and called her (all this time she was closed up in her room for some reason again...) she mumbled something, and finally came out dressed up, got the keys and left! No explanation, no phone call, nothing. We waited for her until the food got cold, I could see my bf was really embarrassed, we ended up ordering pizza and putting all the fish in the fridge for her. We went to bed (keep in mind that she was on holiday in a new place - where could she have gone? - to this day I still have no clue - probably hiding her face in the parking downstairs for 5 hours) anyway, the following day I woke up and found all the bbqd fish thrown out! I was livid but bit my tongue. She made a little salad for herself and didn't speak to us all day, the following day she was hugging and kissing my bf for some unknown reason! Imagine??!! pride? guilt? - is that why she couldn't eat a meal with us after all the s@#$ she put me through? what is this kind of behaviour? I'm a psychologist and have never seen anything like it. At first, I thought it rude. But as time goes by, and concluding with various diagnoses ranging from borderline, to even pure mania, I realize now that it must be "a Korean thing". Believe me, not all MIL's are like this, actually, I haven't met any other MILS like this. She finally went back to her country, and needless to say, she still hates me, never sends me regards, the secret is here - never make your partner feel bad about it. As long as you know and understand and trust eachother - try to avoid conflict with the KMIL and never ever let her come between you. You both have to realize this to be able to stand up to her when the time comes. Be honest, and always confront her. (Like as if you can! (that's why I'm venting on this wonderful blog...)and that's why I know for sure they're not like other MILs - coz you can't even confront them)... she bullied me for a whole month) but now that I know I will never ever gain her respect, no matter how kind I am, I will try and be myself and will not make the same mistakes again.

BomberGal said...

My MIL is Korean, I am not.

But she is great. She was disapproving of me at first. As was to be expected, I'm not the most ideal DIL (tattoos, piercings, ect) and I was dating her first born child and only son. But she was never cruel or rude to me.

And once we were married, her only concern was: Don't get divorced. lol

She is very sweet and considerate. And treats me very well. She always sends Hubby and I "couples" matching mugs and other items and she sends me cute socks. And sent us some Korean children's hangul practice books for me to study with.

And her cooking is AMAZING!

I think bad MILs is something people can relate to in all cultures. But not all MILs and In-laws are bad or cruel. Some are great.

I was blessed with great in-laws. My FIL, MIL and SIL are all fantastic. I couldn't ask for better.

Anonymous said...

That's what caused my divorce from Korean ex-husband. His mom made him choose between me or her...and because of the Korean brain-washing...he couldn't make up his mind. After his mom told me "you have a new family now, we are more important than your old family" I told her to f-off and filed for divorce. I had to take her crap for a year and a half. Ugh! Good riddance!

Anonymous said...

I don't think all Mother-in-laws are that way but they may be in the beginning and keep it to themselves. My Mother-in-law believes that my husband and I were destined to be together so I think that helps and she said that in the Korean tradition the two that get married if they look alike in some characteristics that its good luck. I know in the beginning it was hard to get to know her and I always did the correct and traditional way to act towards her and now after years of being married to her son and having a miracle baby and because we have decided to raise her by Korean traditions she is like a best friend. When we go to visit and spend the night and her and I stay up late talking and laughing like her and her sister do. So, it makes me feel very special to be accepted in that way and she tells me that I am more Korean than some full Koreans. Which makes me laugh.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about all KMIL'S but, mine is 2 faced and competetive. I really do not understand her behavior. I am hispanic and have watched my mother treat my sisters in law with respect. I guess that is what I was expecting to receive. She disapproved of our marriage from the get go. She was living in Korea when she found out about the wedding and did all that she could to stop it from the telephone. She came to the states when I was pregnant and was very mean to me. She didnt even want to look me in the eye and gave me the cold shoulder. My FIL has always been great to me.
So, I finally gave birth to my 1st son and her attitude slightly changed until she started chiming in about how I bath my son wrong and how he must be cold all the time. She exaggerates everything!!!!! There couldn't be a bigger drama queen/victim.
Here I am 3 kids later and she is still causing trouble. I don't know who told me this saying but, it seems true to me, "fish smells after 7 days" She has been at my house for 11 days. Did I mention she likes to stay with me for 30-60 days at a time. I don't think she cares abot how imposing that is. My mother would never do such a thing. I needed some time off and left the house without her today, keep in mind my kids were with me. So, she calls a cab to take her to church 50 miles away. Did I mention there are Korean churches a few miles away? I see through her behavior and it drives me nuts. She is totally passive aggressive.
This morning I was washing dishes and she grabs my wrist hard to stop me from washing. This was not the first time she did this but, certainly the last. I finally yelled at her PLEASE STOP. I guess she was surprised and backed off. I am tired of her talking trash behind my back and reading her bible everyday, as if it balances off her terrible behavior. So, basically, everytime she visits there is a huge unnecessary fight/argument. Everytime she visits I seriously contemplate divorce. I am training my girl to keep away from Korean guys!!!!

Anonymous said...

I am the American mother of a second son. My Korean daughter-in-law told me that my oldest son will "take care of" me and that my younger son will take care of her parents.

I am very hurt because she treats me with no respect at all and rarely says "thank you." Is this because my son is the second son?

Anonymous said...

Korean husbands and BFs who can't stand up to their own mothers to protect and defend their wives and GFs do not deserve anybody's love. I'm a Korean man raised in America, and you should see some of the atrocious things KMIL (my grandmother) does toward her DIL (my mother). Her behavior is simply insane, unpredictable, childish, psychotic, and deeply disturbing. All KMIL's should study up on UN human rights charter now that Ban Ki Moon is the UN secretary general. And guess what? Most old fashioned Korean MIL's have the gall to constantly spout the "Korea is best!" garbage. Their ignorance in staggering only magnified to the extent they blindly worship expensive brands. Ah that felt good---

Anonymous said...

I honestly fucking wish that there was a way for all of this stuff to be translated into korean, and i mean GOOD korean none of the half-assed translations that don't match up bu t a good translation that actual KMIL'S and other korean people in general to read.

There are so many things that can be good about korean culture but unfortunately when it comes to marriage, dating and things like this, they hit rock bottom. They seem to not be able to treat someone with respect just because they are younger and that is just WRONG.

Either way, its good that ppl who have a hard time with KMIL's can relate but none of this can remotely be solved UNTIL SOMEONE translates this and gets koreans that don't speak english to actually read it.

It's very aggravating.

Sandra de Fontenay said...

Asians in general do have this strange MIL DIL relationship. I think it is up to the husband and his whole family to say enough is enough. The whole family should rally against the MIL(mom) who was being unreasonable. How long can she continue to act out? I don't understand why her behavior is tolerated. I mean you can only guilt people who are guilty, this is just feeding to her mania.

Kate said...

I am a white American woman who married a 1/2 Korean man. His white American father met his Korean mother in Korea and she moved with him back to the U.S. Our situation isn't as extreme as many of these, but it was comforting to read that others are going through similar struggles.
At first, I tried to please my Korean MIL, but now I have retreated, and just try to minimize our interactions and keep a simple but cordial relationship. It's tragic, because I went into this marriage happy to have a new family, and this woman (the typical controlling Korean matriarch) has prevented this. Her selfishness and insecurity about "losing her son" has caused her entire side of the family (including the other brother and his wife) to have a more distant, less loving relationship.
Coming from a line of hard-working, inspiring women, I find it sad that Korean women are so obsessed with washing the dishes and criticizing people for domestic housewife duties. If they had true meaning in their lives, they wouldn't have time for this, and they wouldn't have time to meddle in their sons' lives either.
Now that I have realized this, my opinion on my Korean MIL has changed. I used to get upset by her, but now I just see her for what she is - pathetic.

Anonymous said...

i think terrible mother in law are universal, my sister used to be married to this complete loser who cant stand up to her, sorry, his mother. when he cheated on her six month into the marriage, she instructed him to empty out their bank account as well as try to claim half of matrimony assets, despite she put more in. in really hope this women die of most painful form of cancer

Anonymous said...

I can't believe there's actually a website about KMIL's - and to see a post in 2011!!! LOL I was happily able to read everyone's stories and relate to some of them. I'm full korean (born and raised in the states) and my bf is korean also. My bf and I are thinking about marriage.... and, not a surprise, but his mom acts like a "13 year old bratt" like stated in another post up there. She's "jealous" or "afraid" that im taking her son away from her since he told her we're thinking about marriage. She'll have family dinners and etc, but wont mention to invite me over. It's not as extreme as some of the other stories above, but I sense a strong negative vibe. We had dinner one time, and she would ask my bf questions about me when i'm sitting right there! for example "she doesn't eat meat!?" When we met them at the restaurant, I got up to greet her and she just walked right passed me and said "oh, u're here" without even looking at me. My bf keeps saying that it's because she doesn't know me.. but reading all the horror stories above, i'm traumatized!! It kinda makes me think twice about this marriage. A little advice would be great. *shrugs*

Anonymous said...

Thank you Jesus for this blog!!!! My fiancé is half Korean and we have just has our third child together. His Father met his Korean mother in the Korean war, married her and they moved to the states. Since then they had 3 sons 1 of which recently passed away and the father has passed also. His mother plays the " I don't understand english card and claims people make fun of her because she doesnt understand anything and that she looks funny" WTF really? The B**** understands. She doesn't even drive. She relies on my fiancé and his brother for everything. She is obsessed with playing the slots and buying shit and letting you know how much it coats. She talks about me to my fiancé and makes me look like the asshole and is mean to me when no one is looking so people think I'm crazy when I talk about how she treats me. Just this morning she called my fiancé and told him she bought us lots of dish towels and soap for our kitchen because im not cleansing enough and she is worried our kids will get sick. WTF. Also last thanksgiving I offered to do her makeup(bc sh has really bad tattoo makeup and I'm an esthetician/makeup artist) well what does she do? She wiped it off claiming he cheek bones make her face look too funny. UGH this woman drives woman drives me crazy I dont even want my kids around her!! I wish she would move back to Korea! Oh and BtW she totally has my fiancé brainwashed claiming she gave up everything for him so he has to tAke care of her.... So annoyed and prob wouldnt even marry him if it wasn't for our 3 children

Anonymous said...

I married a Korean man. Responding to Anon's post on July 22, 2011 - if you are not married yet to this man, run as fast as you can. I don't see how it will get better after you guys are married. Korean moms are FULL OF DRAMA. They create something out of nothing and they are very a demanding. They do want you to become their slaves. It probably doesn't help that they watch so much Korean dramas. If you marry a Korean man, just expect to have to share your man with his mom.

Anonymous said...

"When we met them at the restaurant, I got up to greet her and she just walked right passed me and said "oh, u're here" without even looking at me."
Wow, my MIL did the EXACT same thing the morning after our wedding! She started calling my husband around 9am, so we invited them to join for breakfast. My first encounter with her as daughter-in-law was zero eye contact and walking away from me. Sigh... if you boyfriend is supportive and acknowledges the problem, it's tolerable. If he's not willing to stand up to her, then, unfortunately, it can really strain your marriage.

Anonymous said...

My Korean mother-in-law went to prison for prostitution for being a madam and making loads of money off others' sex. When she got out, she had no where to go but our house. She is also the person who gave her son, my husband, up for adoption when he was 7 1/2 years old (and remembers it all). She wasn't poor when she gave him up. She's just an awful person.

She was like poison the moment she stepped into our home. My husband and I talked about divorce every day for 8 months in a row, the time she lived at our home. My husband foolishly wasted over $ 20,000 on her and gambling, which he borrowed. We will be paying that back for years.

She criticized me until I cried most days. She intentionally started fights between my husband and me. She called me b**** in my home while we paid all her bills. She paid no bills, spending all her money on gambling. My kids were in tears many days too.

She lied so many times to my husband that our marriage is not the same and will never be the same. My roof has holes and rain pours through in 2 places, but instead we are paying off $20,000 gambling debt of MIL's and husband's. Yes, Korean MIL was the highest rank gambler who encouraged my husband to gamble. He had never had a gambling problem before. Now he does.

Life is never going to be the same again. I can't afford anything nice for myself because I'm paying her huge debt that we can't afford. I'm in tears right now.

I wish she would leave our lives forever and let us be happy. If any of you would enjoy a person like this, let me know. I can deliver her to your home promptly. :(

If Korean culture had anything to do with this, please spread the word that this MIL behavior destroys lives.

Tammi said...

My bf is Korean/Black. His mother has lived in the US for at least the past 28 years. From the first day i met this woman she has done nothing but criticize everything i do. From what I wear (im quite conservative) to why i come to visit my boyfriend so much. We're in a long distance relationship. She is completely manipulative and plays the denial and overly emotional role when they get into it by crying. I see right through her. Anyhow...I've started to stand up to her and respond in a respectful but yet firm and honest manner. She has responded well to it possibly because she's used to everyone else folding under her. Well Im not doing anymore. This is about my happiness as well. My main question is...are any of you in a situation where your bf is 100% financially responsible for his mother. She lives with him currently and while she claims she will move back to Korea once he gets married, I dont buy it. He's her only child and very much so attached. Ive already told him that she cannot live with us. But being so, this means that we have to bare the financial living costs. I never pictured when i got married id be taking care of an able-body. Dont get me wrong, i understand doing so if parents are not able to take care of themselves but this lady does just fine. Our expenses would be increased by at least $1400/month which IMO will become a heavy burden especially when kids come into the picture. I do well for myself single and so does he but taking on this other element in addition to our on future family seems too much. Does anyone else have any advice to offer or dealing with this???

Anonymous said...

LOL, wow. To everyone complaining about KMILs...sorry...you have to literally just live with it. No change is comin'.

NathanJi said...

I married to a Korean man and he is the younger son. I haven't felt more abused and used since I joined their family. My KMIL believes that only her and her sons are family and anytime my husband tries to translate for me or asks me if something is okay they tell him he looks like a dumb shit and that he doesn't need to talk to me. My husband and I work at their restaurant 7 days a week and have no life but still his brother and mother talk about how horrible we are even though we pay for her rent and her food. If she gets anger she screams at my husband about how no one cares about and that he talks to me to much and doesn't pay attention to her. His brother tells my husband all the time how proud he is because he ignores his wife and pays attention to his mother. I even told my husband I had thought about buying a ticket and going home (We live in the US). I have cried and can't sleep because I am so stressed. It has gotten so bad that when his brother comes over my stomach hurts and I feel sick. I am so glad I am not the only one. I felt so alone, but now that I found these posts it makes me so happy.

Anonymous said...

been married for almost 3 years now and really felt good to finally prove my reactions towards my manipulative korean MIL who babies her sons (she has 2 sons and my hubby is the eldest.. and that really drives the shit out of me)are infact normal contradictory to what she and my hubby says,, whew!!!! I hope they just both get married and live forever together..lolzzz... So in hell now,, I'm not Korean and I don't wanna be one and join them with their weird way of thinking about things. I'm always thinking about leaving my husband and going back to my country... all because of his mom whose too much kindness spoils our marriage. For God's sake!!!! She is not the center of our relationship! Her son already got married to me!!! she should give us some space but she squeezes herself into our marriage than poisons our relationship!!!! and my fool husband falls to her poisonous sort of kindness,,,ewwwww!!!!!!!!!!! I really want to leave this crazy Korea if not just because of my baby,, I'm really patient, kind and understanding to take up all my MIL's craziness but my hubby just don't see it because he is blinded by his mom's foolish teachings.. ah~~~ making my life meaningless.. wanna runaway everyday and get a real life,, don't want to be part of this drama..( well Korean dramas usually end up with sb dying and I don't wanna to be that character) Stress kills..and really makes me sick everyday,, damn!

Anonymous said...

I also have problem with KMIL too. She brain washed my husband. Although I haven't seen her a lot as we don't live in Korea, but still problems. I don't care much about how she lied to my husband about me, and tried to get my husband goes against me. I have told my husband about my feeling towards her. My MIL is a complete b***h,can't stand her. Whatever you guys mentioned are all in that woman.

hb lee said...

This site is such a lucky find. My KM is gravely ill and will soon pass and I sit here at her bedside celebrating her and her KM ways. Thank you Chiyo

Anonymous said...

I live in the us, I had Korean bosses at my old job and i feel sorry for their future daughter in law already. They have an older daughter and a son, the older daughter was crazy busy with grad school and the son was lazying around. One of them would call the busy daughter in the morning just to tell her to heat the breakfast for the son and give her a list of things she needs to take care of. She's waiting for her daughter to get a job with six figure salary and marry a guy with the same so she can live off of them, I know because she would say it out loud. As for their son they let him have his box of condoms as long as he doesn't impregnate the girls (they said this out loud) and hopes that one day they'll have an angel daughter in law who makes good money to be on call 24/7 at their whim.
We were working with a tiny company owned by a korean, that company owner's daughter in law was helping them out. My ex boss made a really rude comment few seconds after the daughter in law walked by " look at where she's working, she's a korean college grad and she works at that company."

Anonymous said...

Sympathy to everyone suffering from unfair treatment!

My bf and I have been together for 3 years and his mom hates me and demands him to break up with me or get out of the family. My bf's dad passed right before we got together, I was trying my best to support him and comfort as much as I could. I gave up on my career and moved to another country (my bf and I were studying in Switzerland). I moved only for him, to be with him and his mom doesn't approve me even being his gf. I do not want to marry him or anything, I just love him.

Why do korean guys feel good about pouring sh..t their lovely mom are talking behind our backs? Does it make them feel loved and taken care of?

Anonymous said...

I'm a Western woman livin in Korea,n married to a Korean. I've been livin in Korea for 5 years, and my husband and I dated for 3 yrs before we decided to get married 1year ago. Durin the 3 yrs we were datin(before marriage), I met his family several times and I even went to his parents' house several times. Durin those 3 yrs, though I couldnt feel a very warm welcome from them, I still found they were nice and polite to me, and they didnt get opposed to us being a couple. So I thought his family wasnt bad.But surprisingly, everythg changed when we actually got married. When we got married, I already had known his family for 3 years, so I thought I knew them well. But I was wrong.I didnt know their REAL face. After we got married, his family's attitude towards me totally changed. I realized that during 3 years, they hadnt shown me their real face, but only a mask, because i was not officially a member of their family. But as soon as i got married,I became officially a member of their family, so they just threw all the masks away and started to show me their real face. That was scary actually. As soon as i got married, I got to understand that his mother actually didnt like me, though i used to think that she did during those 3 years. And also another thing : during those 3 years of dating, while his mother kept welcoming me in her house from times to times, she NEVER thought that our relationship would be so serious and that we would get married in the end. She thought some day my BF would break up with me for some reason, because I was a foreigner,so she couldnt even think of us really getting married. That is why she always said that she was not against our marriage, because actually she thought we were not serious about it and it wouldnt happen in the end. So she just said ok, no problem to it, but she didnt really think it. When we really decided to get married after 3 years, she couldnt say no, because she had been welcomin me in her house for 3years. So she said yes. But as soon as we got married, she started to make me live evryday like hell. She told me that she was "disappointed" that her son married a foreign girl and that she would had prefered a korean daughter-in-law who would know everything about what a daughter in law has to do, and not a foreigner to whom she has to teach everything.She couldnt admit that the little mistakes i made were not on purpose but just because of my cultural difference, because i had received a totally different education in my childhood in another country. In the 1st month after our wedding, i made little mistakes, because i didnt know that such or such thing had to be done differently in Korea. So when i made a mistake, I apologized to her, saying "I am sorry. i didnt do that on purpose. I never meant to bother you. It is just that in our country things are done differently so i didnt know that i was making a mistake. If you would just teach me how to do in a nice way, it would help me to make less mistakes. Since I am a foreigner, I can not know EVERYTHING about korean family life, I try to know as much as i can, and i study a lot about it, but there are things that i will learn slowly with time, and i need that little time to adapt" . When i said that, she replied to me: "Look. I dont care that UR a foreigner. Now that U got married and entered our family, you are not a foreigner anymore, Ok?? You are korean now! U must B korean! i dont want to hear that UR a foreigner and had another culture or education! you have to forget everythg about your past in your country. Everything about your country or culture doesnt count. And we dont care about it. We dont even want to hear about it. Now UR korean so you must act like a korean. And you must make no mistakes. If there are things U dont know, it's your fault. You are ignorant. Not my fault. So i dont have to teach U or explain things to U. U must know things by yourself. Dont make excuses ok??" . She actually yelled that at me.

Anonymous said...

I am so into this too....I wish all the women who wrote things here could live in my area and we could meet and talk about it together and then all go to a nolaebang and throw all this stress away...^^~ LOL

Anonymous said...

If he really defended you he would save you the trouble, and punch her in that nasty mouth of hers. I don't care where you come from. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and she should be held accountable for her words and actions.

-Fed Up

Jadujen said...

Whoa. I am so sorry for all of those girls who are suffering as a a result of KMIL behavior. I know that there are a lucky rare few who have kind ones, but more common is the kind of KMIL who is abusive in so many ways.

I am SO lucky, & glad, that my KMIL is no longer in the States with us. When people read others' horror stories of the hell they are living in, I think they don't get it unless they've really experienced it. It's AWFUL, & definitely more widespread in Korean culture, sadly.
For about 2-3 years I had the joy of experiencing ridiculously childish, psychotically selfish, and crazy-to-the point-of-laughable behavior of my lovely Korean m-i-l. I think it's even more hellish because the treatment is so focused & targeted. And because even when your Korean husband konws his mother is being a bitch, or tries to stand up to her, there are still weird demands/expectations for him to uphold, or try to follow, so he's not "a terrible son".
There are bad mother in laws the world over. But Korean ones have distinct common traits (well, that are apparently also common in other Asian countries!). They really do think it's fine to aim to live off of you; expect you to be at their command, be their slave; criticize you be aggressively rude to you, disrespect and demean you, etc.

Now that it's been a while since I've had the painfully rude m-i-l in my face, I almost forget how nightmarish it can be! I think someone should start a support group in whatever cities they're in~or even a message board...so that people can just share what's going on with them, and KNOW that other people are dealing with this bullshit too!!
Because it can really mess up your head, when you love your boyfriend/husband very much, and as a consequence, have to be subjected to such medieval, barbaric behavior.

Anonymous said...

SO relieved to find this blog. I WAS engaged to a 1/2 Korean man (born and raised in the U.S... white dad, South Korean mom). I firmly believe that Korean women are the spawn of the devil. A Korean mother-in-law will make your life a living hell, especially if you have children. If you are dating someone with a Korean mother, RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. All the stereotypes about Korean women are true! Korean mothers are obsessed with their sons, usually to the point of an unhealthy bond. Korean women expect to be pampered, but they also are extremely controlling and end up "wearing the pants" in any relationship. They are highly materialistic. They refuse to work - Lord have mercy on you if you are a working Mom; you will never stop hearing judgments from your Korean mother-in-law. In the Korean culture, a daughter-in-law is expected to be subservient to the mother-in-law. She will never send you gifts or do kind things for you. Korean women are STUBBORN AS HELL. They refuse to learn English (even if they've lived here 40+ years) but they want all the American conveniences. They are obsessed with image. They will judge everything about you, especially your housekeeping and child-rearing abilities. You will never be good enough. Please, do yourself a favor and marry someone with American parents. Avoid the Korean culture entirely.