Bad Blogger...Bad!

Yes! I am indeed alive.

A few changes in my life:

a)I'm packing up and moving my ass from NY to CA...and it is consuming my life....plan to be back and blogging this weekend.

b)Thanks for all your support while I've been applying and crying over Grad schools...tis over now. I'll be starting my doctorate in the fall, like every good Korean Child should before they die. Now all I need to do is get married and pop out a kid or two and my work here is done.

c)My Korean Mom threatened to come and "clean" my apt in NY before I leave then go and "clean" my apt in CA when I move in. Although I admit, there is something magical about Korean Mom "cleanings". Everything is just so damn SPARKLY afterwards.

d)I am now 'Tweeting'

e)I missed you guys :)

Love for your KM,
Chiyo

#54 Chinese/Korean Herbal Medicine

Korean Moms love Korean/Chinese Herbal Medicine. Better known as Hahn-Yahk. If they could carry it around in a flask like a G, whipping it out for a swig every once in while, they would. Vodka and Tequila shots have nothing on the potency of Hahn-Yahk. Its mere stench can make a grown man cry or Clay Aiken grow chest hair. What is it you ask? Nobody really knows. We may have speculations, but we can never really know. Do not even try and ask your Korean Mom what is in your Hahn-Yahk. She will throw back her curly head, laugh scathingly, and make you feel like your man-parts shriveled to the size of an edamame pod. Those mutant ones with only one or two beans, not three. Yes, even if you are not a man. Bottom line. Do not ask because she will not tell you.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Countless numbers of victims have been forced by Korean Moms to drink this cure all. A brown liquid that looks and tastes strangely like warm pureed horse manure or cat vomit. Admit it, you spent valuable moments of your childhood trying to figure out ways to dump it in the sink or flush it down the toilet without your Korean Mom noticing.

I am pretty sure all Korean Moms obtain Hahn-Yahk from the same type of old Korean man. The same old Korean man who will squeeze your mid section and ask you when you had your last period, while you seethingly contemplate molestation charges. All the while your Korean Mom is sitting in the 'exam' room/back of the deli, giving you the stank eye (see #5) and plotting how she will make you drink Hahn-Yahk for the rest of your life. Many of us were forced to drink this nasty concoction of mystery juice to cure ailments a simple Tylenol could have cured. Have a headache? Have some Hahn-Yahk. Oh, you're fat? Hahn-Yahk will cure that. A genital wart? Hahn-Yahk. You're short? Eat some spinach and wash it down with Hahn-Yahk. You're not married? Drink some Hahn-Yahk and pray to Jesus foo! This is why I never like to admit I am sick or am becoming sick. I am deathly afraid that my Korean Mom will find out and mail me a giant package of Hahn-Yahk. Guess what I have in my fridge at this very moment? An entire drawer full of Hahn-Yahk to cure pimples (see #19). Yeah. Pimples. The Hahn-Yahk should eventually cure me of my face. I love my Korean Mom.

It's been a while but I'm back! Did you miss me? :)

Thanks to The Hub of Sparkle and all my readers for the Golden Klog Award! I shall cherish it always while drinking my Hahn-Yahk.

So Sorry!

Dear Readers,
I'm so sorry for not updating!
I'm in the middle of applying to graduate school and it has pretty much consumed my entire life!
As soon as I put these applications to bed, I'll be back...which should be soon!
I promise I'm not ignoring your requests for more posts. :)
Even my Korean Mom asked me what was up!

You'll hear from me soon.

Love,
Chiyo

Happy Thanksgiving to all KM Lovers!

Dear readers,

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and don't forget to eat some kimchi with that turkey.

You know your Korean Mom put it out there, right next to the stuffing.

I'll be back this weekend ... it's been too long!

Love to your Korean Mom,

Chiyo

#53 Force Feeding

One of the many unique talents a Korean mom possesses is force feeding; feeding you until you are nearly hospitalized, distended stomach and all. Although you may think this is true about moms across cultures, Korean moms stand alone in how they go about using this particular talent. They are the queens of mixed messages. In fact, they invented the mixed message. It is a form of torture taught to all Korean moms as the mantle of 'ahjumah' is passed down to them. They learn the art of mixed messages in conjunction to purchasing their very first frizzy perm, and as they put on their very first pair of socks with sandals. Korean moms live to confuse you, and force feeding is their weapon of choice. They tear you down, only to build you up soon after...don't be frontin' kids...you know you like it. They will feed you only when they have done their best to lower your self esteem a few notches. It does not matter how fat your Korean mom thinks you are, when it is meal time, she will feed you until rice comes out of your nose. She may be disgusted by the sheer sight of your double chin, buy you herbs and acupuncture sessions to help you lose weight, but she will never let you starve. She will tell you to go on a diet, grab your love handles like she is about to rip them off, give you the stank eye, then proceed to stuff you with sahm-gyup-sahl/bacon, dipped in fatty sesame oil and salt. This is their self created window of opportunity. When your self esteem is lying on the floor in need of CPR. It is only then, at that moment, that their cooking becomes the highlight of your life. Korean moms understand the secret of life...food tastes best when it is the only thing left to live for. If you have the good fortune not to be 'fat' in the eyes of your Korean Mom, rest assured that she will still mess with you then ambush you with food. Punishment (see #52) usually proceeds a force feeding. It is their way of apologizing for whacking you with the rice paddle and asking you why you are crying. Have you ever eaten a great steaming bowl of jjigae/stew with tears streaming down your face? Or had some really awesome galbi/short ribs while making that really sad choking sound where you can't breathe because you're holding back a sob? This is the moment Korean moms live for. The moment when she knows that you may be pissed, offended beyond belief, on the verge of running away, or calling social services, but you will not do so until you finish your meal...because her food is Just. That. Good.

#52 Punishment

Punishment is the Korean Mom's art form. This is where they let their creative juices flow and their imaginations take flight. They are the Mozart of punishers everywhere; prodigious, misunderstood, and just a little crazed. A simple swat on the ass is not ingenious enough for the Korean Mom. Too boring. She will dream up more unique ways to make you pay for things you've done...things you will do, things your brother/sister did, things you ate, things you said, things you did not do, and things you just happened to see while strolling by on your way to doing something entirely wholesome and normal. Often you will even be punished for things entirely out of your control, such as being left handed, being short, or being lactose intolerant. You get the picture. Your life is just one big reason for punishment and your Korean Mom will find new and exciting ways to help you understand this fact. Fun.

Face it, many of us have been victims to some of the classic forms of Korean Mom punishment. Whether you were forced to kneel and carry a large bucket of water above your head for hours at a time, told to go and collect your own whip/switch from the backyard, or simply stand with your hands in the air, just know that the worst is not yet over my friend. You can never outgrow Korean Mom punishments. As long as she is able bodied enough to wield a tree branch, a rice paddle, or raise her voice, she will punish you.

The key thing to understand about Korean Mom punishments is that they will not make sense. Ever. It will not teach you that you have done something awful, or that you have made bad life decisions, and it will definitely not build character. It will simply let you know where your pain threshold lies, and whether or not you should seriously consider working out. Not only does a Korean Mom administer a physically challenging punishment to drive home what she considers the lesson of the day, she will also yell at you throughout the entire process. While you are struggling to keep that giant jug of water aloft military press style, she will wail, yell, and inform you that she wants to die (see # 3). Don't worry, all is not in vain. This will eventually teach you how to multitask; to listen, learn, and endure physical pain. Were you able to get your weekly report done, listen in on your conference call, all the while doing lunges across your office floor? It is all thanks to your Korean Mom.

Warning: do not ever, e.v.e.r., talk back, or even utter a single word while your Korean Mom is punishing you. To do so is to give yourself the death sentence. Even if you say "I love you" in your most loving and contrite tone, in the heat of the moment, while you are being punished within an inch of your life, all your Korean Mom will hear is "Hit me harder!", and she will.

For Renee: Keep fighting and laughing my dear. :)

#51 Talking Smack

Korean Moms love to talk smack, not just any kind of smack, they take it to the next level. Which level you ask? The level where you're crying that heaving, 'I cant breathe' cry because they tag team and talk smack right in front of your ass...about your ass...literally. Sure they could talk smack about you behind your back, but no, that's too easy; child's play. Korean Moms prefer to talk smack about you where you can hear them and feel the wrath of their stank eye all at the same time. What does this feel like? Like that feeling right before throwing up, being forced to watch the mini-me/Verne Troyer sex tape, or burning in Hell, whichever of the three is worse. My bet's on mini-me. The kinds of things a Korean Mom will talk smack about vary anywhere from how fat you are to how that pimple on your forehead looks like a third eye. Pretty much as long as you're alive and breathing, anything is game. Actually, now that I think about it, being dead does not truly exempt you from smack talk either. A Korean Mom will always enlist the help of one or more Korean Moms in order to lay the smack down on you. Let me paint you a lovely little picture. There you are, standing in line at Starbucks, when a couple of Korean Moms creep up behind you and start the take down. They smack talk in Korean but allow you to hear and understand key words like "ugly", "Oh My God", "fat" or "crazy", driving you up the wall trying to figure out whether they're talking about you or the stale donut in the pastry case. Just so you know, yes, they are talking about you. Once my Korean Mom and I spied a lady in our vicinity with her sparkly purple thong underwear unnecessarily pulled up above her low-rise Britney Spears jeans on her non Britney Spears booty (pre-head shave). She turns to me and says in her whisper on steroids, 'Geh, THONG, nuh-moo SHOW-heh. FAT sah-rahm THONG WEAR hah-myun ahn-dweh! OH MY GOD". As the Britney Wannabe's head began to swivel towards us, my Korean Mom's stank eye began to blaze while her perm curled even tighter, preparing for K.O. At that moment, I prayed to whomever was listening that I would be able to block this out of my memory until I could pay for expensive therapy to explain away and heal my emotional damage. No such luck.