Thursday, December 16, 2010

Merry Christmas

At first glance, your average KM heading out to freshen up her perm, or making a Costco run for that last minute economy pack of socks, or giving stank eye to some unfortunate soul...but then you take a closer look.

Yes. That's Laminated Postcard Jesus #44. The reason for the season. Your Welcome.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Happy Halloween! - A trip down memory lane...

My KM banned me from trick or treating.  Instead, I had to create and post a sign outside our door stating "Halloween is the Devil's Holiday and Jesus loves you Sinners!", or something like that. If I was feeling alright I'd add a cross or a bearded dude on a cloud with a harp to give it extra pizazz.  Basically, in my house, it was either the Lord or Hershey's.  The Lord always won.  Every October 31st I would sit in my house with the lights turned off to deter any persistent trick-or-treaters from doing the whole 'I know you're in there, I can hear you breathing!!' thing.  Oh yeah.  We were neighborhood favorites.  Needless to say, on November 1st the KB(Korean Brother) and I had early morning de-teepee-ing duty.  I remember once I actually had to get on my hands and knees to scrub ketchup and mustard off our concrete driveway.  I'm pretty sure the stains are still there.  One year, after much begging on my part and prayer on hers, the KM relented and even made me a costume.  There was a catch.  I had to share the costume with my KB and KC (Korean Cousin).  We each took turns going trick or treating.  I went first, the KB went last.  By the time it was his turn the neighbors were wondering why the same Asian kid kept coming around for more candy and stiffed him real good.  Traumatized KB made it a point to never share a costume with anyone ever again. 

I look so happy here...I was. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

#58 Korean School

Raise your hand if you have ever attended Korean School.  Beuller? Beuller?  Raise your hand if you have ever attended Korean School while simultaneously learning tae-kwon-do, Korean calligraphy, and fan dancing while being forced to memorize the Korean national anthem? I thought so.  Even now, when I hear it playing I have the sudden urge to stand up and sing...and I don't even remember the words.  To this day all I remember is "Dong-hae-mool-gwah...blah blah blah blah....woo-ri-nah-rah mahn-saeeeeeeeee!!!!". Why this Pavlovian reflex you ask? Out of a deep sense of ethnic pride?  No.  Out of fear.  Stank Eye can cripple you (See #5) even from a distance.

Chances are, you attended Korean School at your local church on a Saturday morning.  Walk into any Korean School/Church at 9am on a Saturday and you will see baleful looking Korean children fearfully reciting the Korean alphabet or being forced to read passages on obedience out of the Korean Bible next to large portraits of the Lord.  Because of her abiding love for Jesus (see #44) a Church/Korean School is the perfect place for a Korean Mom to send her progeny.  Jesus loves Church therefore Jesus loves Korean School.  According to my Korean Mom, Jesus would make every day Saturday or Sunday just so he could go to Korean School/Church.  Why Saturday you ask?  Because if you want to go to Harvard and become a doctor or lawyer, there is no such thing as the weekend.  Ever. There is school(Mon-Fri), Korean School(Sat), and Church(Sun), until the end of time.  Forget that Saturday afternoon pool party or dinner and a movie with your buds.  Sneaking off?  Don't even think about it.  Your Korean Mom will find you and when she does, there will be a Korean School Tutor waiting for you.

For me, Korean school was the nightmare of nightmares.  Tim Burton would have creamed his pants.  I, like you had to give up every single saturday and some friday nights to attend Korean School.  However, much to my chagrin, my Korean Mom was also the Korean School President.  Let me clarify.  The Korean Mom's ability to rip away your saturdays for all eternity makes her drunk with power.  However, if she is also your Korean School teacher or any sort of authority figure, this immediately turns her into Valdemort.  Only one of you will survive.  Sorry to break it to you, but it's going to be her.

Let's back up.  Not only did I have to attend Korean School, my Korean Mom, the president of weekend torture, gave me an annual report card.  That little place called hell? Yes, I have been there and survived to tell the tale.  How did I do? You know how at the end of the year each Korean School gives out prizes for achievement?  The only trophy I ever took home was one for participation.  Basically, I came, I saw, I failed.  

Most recently, I have been preparing to take a Korean language competency exam for grad school.  Don't ask why.  I went to the source of all Korean School power to ask for her help.  After some time, she handed me this:

No, your eyes do not deceive you.  My Korean Mom created her own dictionary.  Not only will Korean Moms make you do extra homework (see #46), they will create their own dictionaries and textbooks from which you are to study.  My name is Chiyo, I am 30 years old, and I attend Korean Mom School.  *hangs head and cries*

Thursday, April 29, 2010


The last post was taken down at the request of one of the individuals in the photograph.  In the future, all photos sent to this site with recognizable individuals must have the permission of said individual/s before they are sent to me.

Thank you,

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

UCI anyone?

Heading down to the University of California Irvine tomorrow as a guest speaker for the "Korean American Experience" class/course.  Maybe I'll see some of you there?

As we speak my Korean Mom is praying by her giant painting of Jesus, hoping I won't wear jeans with holes in them and therefore shame our entire family.

Love to your KM!

Friday, April 9, 2010

#57 Names

Korean Moms know the power of names.  She knows that your name uttered from her lips can emotionally cripple you.  If a KM deigned to say the name of Chuck Norris paired with stank eye, he would shed at least one tear.  A tear of fury, but still, a tear.

Korean Moms have a special place in their hearts for bible names.  Especially if you are her son.  They love their sons. Is your name Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? No? Then you are probably an Amos, David, Samuel, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Andrew, or Moses.  Perhaps your KM attempted to harness all her Jesus power in one fell swoop and called you 'Christian'.  Are you now a pastor, Christian? At the very least you probably play the guitar or tambourine.  If you are a woman, chances are you got away with a semi-non-biblical name.  There was no way she was going to name you after a ho like Delilah or Jezebel.  Still, I bet your name is Grace, Christine, and maybe Caroline if your KM has a thing for Neil Diamond.

Either you were given a bible name, a bible name along with a Korean name, or just a Korean name. Sadly, a name that white people will butcher for the rest of your life.  Is your name Joon-suk?  Did you grow up with kids screaming "Joon sucks!" whenever you went out to trick or treat in your hanbok(traditional Korean clothing)? Do you still have that hanbok? I bet you do Joon Sucks.  Maybe non-Koreans have heard your Korean name and asked 'Hey, can you write my name in Korean too?'.  So then you have to spell out Peter like 'Pee-Tah' in Korean so Mr. SWM can go to the tattoo parlor and etch it forever onto his bicep.  If he's really feeling it, he might go all out and get a Chinese dragon curled around it breathing fire, because 'Pee-Tah' is so manly and Jersey Shore-ish.  Don't you agree?  But I digress.  Perhaps you have resorted to calling yourself by the first letter of your Korean name to save yourself explanation and humiliation.  Kyung Hee, do you go by Kay? Kyu Pyo do you go by 'Q' 'cause you're cool like that?  I bet you do.

Korean Moms love your Korean name.  This is the name they will use to hold you by the balls till the bitter end.  The way a Korean Mom uses your Korean name is akin to the way homeland security uses colors for their terrorist threat advisory scale.  It's all good if she calls you by your English name.  In other words, homeland security says 'Yellow', the threat is elevated.  What happened to 'Green' you ask? There is no 'Green'.  If your KM is looking at you, talking to you, is remotely aware of you within a 10 mile radius, or for that matter able to dial your number, one slow digit at a time, on her first generation Nokia cellphone with the large numbers for blind people and fat fingers, you are not safe. Ever. When she steps it up and calls you by your Korean name the threat advisory goes instantly to 'Orange'. You have done something that merits punishment or at the very least she will now commence to lay the smack down on you.  Maybe you are fat.  Maybe you told her you are now a vegetarian.  Maybe you are 40.  And single. Maybe you are short and you are also a man.  Either way, the threat is now high my friend.  Once she strings your last name and Korean name together, forget it.  You are now at 'Red'.  Run.  But be advised, she will find you LEE DONG OAK(insert stank eye).  Eventually you will get hungry.  Then, she will find you.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Here comes the evidence...Keep 'em coming!

Esther W. sent in these gems of KM evidence.
This one's a double whammy.
#55 Being Green and #42 Plastic Bags

At first glance it's just your average 70's dishwasher...

Did you just die a little inside? I know I did.

Lo and behold, a colorful treasure trove of KM goodies aka plastic bags (cue heavenly chorus). Al Gore would be proud. Her conservation single handedly saved some endangered baby seal from Andrew Zimmern's stomach.

PS- Many of you emailed me saying you're too afraid to bring forth your evidence. Suck it up bitches. It's totally worth it.